Domestic violence comes in various forms. I thought that I had shrugged that part of my career off many years ago working in Government. There are things you never want to go back to or deal with and you really make up your mind that’s it. It has resurfaced and as a team we occasionally have need to work with domestic violence victims across NSW and Victoria and South Australia.
For the most part it is women who find themselves at the cruel receiving end of it. Though there are men. (And children and animals are affected directly as well, of course). You realise that evil and ugliness is not confined to any one gender. You're really seeing human nature at its most malevolent and narcissistic and cruel. Years ago a lecturer of mine told me he destroyed volumes of stories about war and about being a prisoner of war. It was not just the cruelty he saw of Japanese captors in Changi concentration camp, but also of Australian soldiers in captivity. It was too much to bear. It was too much to inflict on others who might read it. That’s my principle in counselling and relating stories. I’ve seen too much and heard too much. It serves no purpose in relaying stories about cruelty, even if they are anonymous.
I do want to make the following observations.
There are a lot of motherless and fatherless grown up children around. They were emotionally abandoned or untutored in life or ignored or just unloved, while their parents got on with living the good life or pursuing the third or fourth relationship.
I observe that Leadership in workplaces really matters. People of goodwill and influence such as leaders and managers in workplaces can really make a difference. Employment and work places, for victims of domestic violence are usually the one safe place. The messages of predictability and friendliness and safety mean a great deal. Its the safe place where conversations about having a plan and getting out and getting safe often start.
My other point is this. For young women especially, friends can mean the difference between staying or getting out of a violent situation. By friends I’m not talking about the mates collecting gossip or those living a life and circling the office.
We have noted in counselling that genuine and brave friends really matter to people in life crisis. They are those who fit that wonderful category of truth tellers and who want the good for their friends. Those friends can speak into lives. They can and must be truthful about relational choices or their strong misgivings. They may even forgo their friendship for a season with their friend, as they take a side. None the less they have spoken the truth.
