Sadness and losing something or losing someone is a human experience. It’s part of life. All of us will experience loss in our life of some type. It can be others loss. Or it can be our own.
Life is not always easy. Bad things happen to good people. Grief is the response to losing someone or something we hold as important. We have invested affection or a level of significance in that person or a part of life or possession. Grief is the process we must go through. That journey usually can’t be avoided. We have to travel the grief journey and accept it and the pain and misery that new circumstances have been brought about.
On the journey through grief and loss we as humans will be captured by thoughts as well as emotions and also our behaviours and even physiological responses. We may have had experiences of grief in small ways previously in life, but some grief comes with a force and power that you might not have experienced before. You must not be surprised if grief impacts the whole quadrant of life.
· Your thoughts might be of disbelief, confusion, disarray, anger, nothingness.
· Your feelings might be those of sadness, anger, shame, guilt, anxiety fear.
· Behaviourally you may cry, become withdrawn, not be focussed, want to sleep or not want to eat.
· Physiologically, a lack of energy, feel out of your body, oversensitive, stressed
Grief does not happen in a predictable orderly manner. There are no set rules. Nor a start and finish line. We are all different. It’s useful to know what some of the behaviours and words have been to express as people have tried moving from responding to a grief and emergence at the other end.
A Possible map of the journey
Numbness: there is an experience of shock and even horror and disbelief.
Denial: a deep sharp question that this should not be happening.
Strong emotion: this can be unique. For some weeping. For others total withdrawal.
Depression: Turning in on yourself and not allowing anybody else into your grief.
Physiological impacts: Not sleeping. Not eating. Susceptibility to flu and cold.
Anger: There can be a resentment at the person who has left you or who has deceased
Shame and guilt: there can be a self-prosecution that begins “if only I or why didn’t I “
Sentimentalism: there can be an idealisation of the person or things that are lost.
Normalisation: The body and mind feel better about regular tasks and interactions.
Sad acceptance: Resistance to feeling good or joy in life is not as strong. A new life emerges.
New but bruised realities: The bruises may be deep but life will go on.
Griefs intensity might be affected by some things:
·The circumstances of the loss and why or how and when that grief occurred.
·The particular make-up of the relationship or of the thing you have grieved over.
·How your own group of friends and family experience grief or react to sad events.
·Your own degree of personal resilience and you tackle stress normally.
·The family and friends and belief systems that you hold to regarding loss or grief.
Helping others with their grief:
It’s always important to take time to listen to people in grief. Listen and be in that space and don’t feel that you need to use clichés or say something profound. Ask if they want to talk and don’t be concerned if they don’t want to at that time. People grieve differently.
There is a wise proverb that says no one can know the bitterness of another mans heart. We should never presume on knowing what another woman or man is going through exactly.
People will express some deep emotions and even say surprising things. You’re not there to judge or condemn, let them say what they need to say without too much interruption. People in grief can also say angry things or even humorous things.
Your allowed to speak when you can and to be honest that you have no answers or that the loss makes you very angry or whatever it provokes.
Don’t take over the grief experience or the life of a person. They still need to have dignity and take direction in their own life.
Dealing with your own response to grief and loss:
Accepting that a range of emotions will be present for a season of time into the future. You will experience a spectrum of emotions potentially and some will be upfront, and others may lay dormant for a while. If you or someone else is in significant grief, avoid making significant life decisions or committing to new relationships is wise.
·You should not expect to recover or move on overnight.
·Grief means it’s alright to ask friends for help.
·Getting back into a predictable routine around sleeping and eating will be important.
·Don’t drink heavily or try to anesthetise yourself with medication.
·Counselling isn’t mandatory but it can be very helpful getting over significant grief.
·Crying or getting emotional will be a normal part of loss.
·You may seek out others who have experienced similar loss.
·Remember that there will be others in your circle who might also be grieving.
People ask questions around grief and loss
·Question : How long should I grieve for? When will I ever stop?
Grief and personal response to grief will depend on an individual’s history and life experience. It will also depend on the gravity of the loss. The loss of a promotion or job is a grief in its own way. The loss of a child has a far greater gravity. People may not experience the tragedy of a death, but a job loss may be yet another episode in a long constellation of accumulating griefs. The length of time is not the issue. It’s the degree of pain of the grief that needs to be assessed and considered.
· Question: Does grief impact on relationships or marriage?
Sometimes but not always. Individuals in families are different. People process loss or sadness in different ways and with different internal thoughts and behaviours. Perhaps the problem emerges when one individual feels the loss intensely and doesn’t sense their partner gets the depth or pain or have a vocabulary to understand what they are feeling or trying to articulate.
· Question: Have I got to experience stages of grief? Should I have a orderly experience of shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, negotiating and acceptance ?
Not at all. Grief or loss is experienced by individuals in individual ways. We may experience grief in any number of ways or in any order or with only a few of the issue’s above being in our grief experience.
· Question: When should I seek professional counselling in grief or after a loss? How would I know if I should seek counselling?
As a rule of thumb, if after 8-12 weeks your thinking and emoting and waking behaviour is occupied with nothing else except the subject of the grief it is reasonable and responsible seek some professional assistance.
